Ranu's Reviews

Joe’s Crab Shack
405 Allwood Road
Clifton, NJ 07012

973-777-5114
Sun-Thurs: 11AM-1AM
Fri-Sat: 11AM-2AM

After four visits to Joe’s, no time wasted waiting in line and two free meals (yes, sometimes it is good to be me)—it is time for the King of Crabs to get reviewed by the self-titled King of Clifton.

The Parking Lot is a Parking Lot

Joe’s Crab Shack is located in the extremely popular Clifton Promenade, which is home to a variety of popular eateries and L.A. Fitness. Parking was very limited before the addition of Joe’s and now it is even worse. Expect to spend between 10-15 minutes circling the lot at about 3 MPH looking for a place to park during peak hours. Sometimes I think it is easier to get out of a parking garage at Yankee Stadium when a game ends than it is to find a parking spot at the Clifton Promenade. However, Joe’s thankfully ditched their short-lived idea of providing valet parking. All this did was take up a bunch of valuable parking spots along the Allwood Road side of the Promenade.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Joe’s opened in Clifton back in April and I don’t think the line has ever stopped. I’m at the Promenade A LOT and Joe’s is packed inside and out with a line every time I pass by. I remember going to Joe’s quite a few times and being told that the wait was at least two hours. Every time I go to Moe’s, which is two doors down, I walk over to see how long the wait is and it is usually about 90 minutes. Unless you’re dead set on having Joe’s, I imagine they must lose a decent amount of business to the other eateries in the Promenade, but the impact must be minimal because like I said—the line never stops!

So You Think You Can Dance?

In case you’ve never been to a Joe’s Crab Shack, be prepared to be dazzled by a lackluster and forced dance routine from just about every employee that is not responsible for cooking your food. This happens about every 20-30 minutes and lasts for 3 minutes or so. I always wondered what happens to the food that is ready to be served at the time that every employee drops what they are doing to perform their shtick.

I have to say that this aspect of Joe’s has been toned down since their opening. When I was there for their “test run” before they officially opened, the music was so loud that you couldn’t even carry a conversation and it seemed like they were doing this every 10 minutes. During my last visit the music was much lower in volume, however, I couldn’t help but notice the lack of enthusiasm on the employee’s faces during their little dance.

Younger children will love this part of Joe’s and I have to admit that I had fun at other Joe’s Crab Shacks when I was on vacation and drinking alcohol. However, I found this to be mildly irritating at a restaurant in my home town—especially when there is no alcohol involved. I love Clifton, but it is no way a tourist town—so while this might be fun for people that have never dined at Joe’s before, I can see this getting real old real fast for local people that plan on going to Joe’s more than occasionally.

While You’re Waiting—Have a Drink!

The bar area at Joe’s is really quite nice. It has a rich, grown-up appeal as opposed to the dining area that looks more like a teenage wasteland. The mixed drinks are a bit pricey and a tad watered down, but they are tasty!

I had a Mason Jar Margarita and it was not bad. Didn’t blow me away, but I enjoyed it. The drink to get at Joe’s is the Shark Bite. It is a combination of Bacardi LIMÓN rum, SKYY Vodka, blue curacao, sweet & sour and a dose of grenadine. Not only did it have a sweet, smooth taste—it comes with a test tube full of grenadine in a little plastic shark’s mouth that you get to keep. Your server will loudly warn everyone to get out of the water because there has been a shark bite and then dumps the grenadine into your blue drink. After a few Shark Bites, you probably won’t mind the servers dancing so much.

I Like Joe’s Balls

In my four visits, I have tried just about every appetizer on the menu and my favorite is the Great Balls of Fire. This consists of shrimp and crab rolled up in a jalapeno and then deep-fried. I enjoyed the sweetness of the crab combined with the hotness of the pepper.

The next best appetizer I tried is the Crab Nachos, but it is a tad on the salty side. You get red, “white,” and blue nachos covered in crab dip, pico de gallo, black bean corn relish and cheese. Joe’s Crab Nachos were a welcomed change from the traditional beef and chicken nachos that I’m used to eating. It was sweet and salty, however, I recommend sharing it with a few people because I can easily see this dish pushing someone into sodium overload if they try to tackle it solo.

If you’re a calamari connoisseur like myself, do not order Joe’s Crispy Calamari or you will be disappointed. There is a reason the word “crispy” is in the name of this appetizer. You can barely taste the frozen rings of calamari because they have pretty much been fused into the breading.

Word of the Day at Joe’s: Fried

Remember the classic episode of The Simpsons when Moe decides to turn his bar into a family-style restaurant called Moe’s Family Feedbag that deep fries everything? If you have forgotten, see the clip below to refresh your memory because this is the first thing that came to mind when my meal came.

I ordered The Big Hook Up and have to give Joe’s credit because even I could not finish this feast of frozen fried fish. The Big Hook Up is a ridiculous platter of fried oysters, great balls of fire (fried), crab-stuffed shrimp (not fried), fried snapper, coconut shrimp (fried), hush puppies (fried) and coleslaw (somehow, not fried). If they double the price and cut the size in half this entrée is something that I would expect to see at a state fair.

The frozen snapper and crab-stuffed shrimp were better than I expected, but the rest of the dish sans the Great Balls of Fire left me feeling stood up instead of hooked up. Joe’s hush puppies were definitely not barking with flavor and the fried oysters reminded me of fried sand. Lastly, the coconut shrimp tasted more like shrimp-flavored coconut.

Crap Cake

I can unequivocally say that Joe’s Crab Cakes are by far the worst crab cakes I ever tried. My taste buds are still pissed off at me and I ate there over two weeks ago. After trying a few bites I was waiting for Clara Peller to rise from her grave and shout, “Where’s the Crab?” Seriously, where the hell is the crab? These crab cakes tasted like fried up, raw Stove Top Stuffing with a generous application of expired dollar store spices.

Now I’m Getting Steamed

Seems like the only menu items you can’t go wrong with are the Steampots and Buckets of Crabs—just steamed with no added flavors. I have found the added flavors to be excessive, so I only get them plain. The only problem is that they cost a bucket of money and you will leave hungry unless you fill up on appetizers. Joe’s also has a kid’s steampot that is a big hit with my 8-year old.

Would You Like a Square of Pie?

As soon as I saw that my slice of key lime pie looked like Sponge Bob Squarepants, I knew I was in trouble. Remember kids, “Bigger is not always better” and that couldn’t be more true in this case. This hunk of pie was obviously pre-made and frozen. Joe’s Crab Shack is based out of Virginia, so I don’t know how any self-respecting Southerner would have the audacity to serve a frozen version of this classic dessert in their restaurants—especially one that tastes this bad. What’s next? Instant grits?

The End Result

Joe’s Crab Shack is new to North Jersey and unbelievably popular at the moment. They are the only seafood restaurant in Clifton that I can think of and their only competition within driving distance is Bonefish Grill and Red Lobster.

Joe’s is a fun place to hang out for drinks and appetizers—and the children seem to love the place. However, don’t kid yourself—Joe’s is a pretty expensive night out for a family of four or even for a date night. I dropped $90 on lunch (without alcohol) for three adults and one kid. Don’t get me wrong, there are reasonably priced items on the menu that deliver on value and taste, but they are few and far between.

Joe’s is more than a restaurant—it is an experience—and I encourage everyone to try Joe’s at least once to see if that experience is for you. Don’t be too discouraged by the long lines—just go there during off-peak hours. Besides, remember when Sonic first came to North Jersey and there were lines of cars on the highway to get in? Once the novelty wears off, you shouldn’t have any trouble getting a table at Joe’s. Do you see any more lines at Sonic?

For more info on Joe's Crab Shack, visit their website: http://www.joescrabshack.com/.