Ranu's Reviews

This week’s journey down Route 22 to Green Brook, NJ opens up with Olivia’s head up the Glam Fairy’s ass. Tracy is dead on when she is making fun of Olivia for kissing up to Alexa. Whispering “So pathetic” behind her back was pretty funny. Take it from one of NJ’s best ass kissers—she is making us all look bad. I would call her a brown-noser, but you really can’t distinguish between the brown on her nose and the rest of her face due to all the frigging bronzer she’s wearing.

The Dr. Anthony Show

Anthony makes the mistake of asking Gigi “what’s going on?” Besides the furry Flintstone-inspired, Purple Rain vest she’s wearing—Gigi, of course, has man problems. She wants Frankie to be more romantic. Let me tell you something sister—if you’re dating a guy and you’re having problems in the beginning with him being romantic—get out now! It only gets worse with marriage—just ask my wife.

Anthony, who is wearing a polo shirt promoting his own salon while working at the Gatsby, tells her that she needs to tell Frankie what she wants and that guys need a push. As a guy—I agree with him. Then he tells her to have him take her to Cape May, NJ. While he is indeed correct that Cape May is a romantic place—he fails to mention that it is the straight man’s hell. Whether you take the bridge over from Wildwood or pay that last toll on the Garden State Parkway—the price to get into Cape May is the same—two testicles. Guys really have no need for them in Cape May.

Brainless Storming

Gayle and her daughter Christy decide that they are going to make a commercial for the Gatsby. They want to incorporate everyone and their ideas in the commercial. Big mistake! Alexa is talking about bubbles and making the commercial pop. The only thing popping out is the Glam Fairy’s mammories. Anthony suggests a Gatsby mascot—hairspray with arms.

They finally come to their senses and suggest doing a commercial covering all the different eras of hairstyles that they can do at the Gatsby. Now for those of you not from Jersey—you might be confused because the majority of the women are pronouncing the word “era” like the word “error” (er-rah).

Uh, You’re Clubbing in Totowa?

Eight minutes have passed, so it must be time to bring up the Tracy/Olivia drama. The show shifts to the 46 Lounge in Totowa, NJ. Not Hoboken. Not Jersey City. Totowa. This club is on Route 46 next to a bagel store and Sonic—across the highway from Daffy’s—so please don’t bother wasting your gas money trying to find this place if you’re not from the area. Go to Hoboken or NYC—you’ll thank me later.

Apparently there has been a change in management because I had no idea that it was Tracy’s club now and when Tracy DiMarco (not her real last name) talks, Olivia better listen. It doesn’t take long before the two get in each other’s face. Olivia did have a funny line when she said, “I got her big-ass, football-helmet-looking head in my frigging face right now.” The two exchanged pleasantries, then Olivia took my advice and got the heck out of there. Hope she realized that Sonic doesn’t sell disco fries before she pulled her Hummer into the long line at the drive-in window.

Fairy Tale

Alexa is in need of an assistant at this photo shoot called “Trash the Dress.” It is a brand new trend that allows brides to get another photo opportunity with their wedding dress before some dry cleaner seals it up for all eternity inside a cardboard box that will most likely reside in their attic or crawl space. They actually trash their wedding dress for art and deprive their daughter of an heirloom all at the same time.

There must be a Fairy convention somewhere because all the other fairies are not available—that or nobody wants to work with Alexa—I tend to believe it is the latter. Alexa has no other choice but to bring her apprentice along with her. Olivia is nervous because Alexa rules the Gatsby with an iron makeup brush so she can’t even begin to fathom (not her words—those are mine) how difficult Alexa is going to be on a project for her own company.

Lights, Camera, Audition

Gayle decides to use a friend who is a salon consultant to help her with the commercial. Her friend suggests using a wedding videographer to film the commercial. Now I know most weddings are a production, but how about getting a recommendation from the film crew that is shooting your show? I have to keep telling myself that it is a “reality” TV show.

The consultant suggests that there should be one main character of the commercial and everyone is now auditioning for this part. They want everyone to feel comfortable so they are filming the auditions individually at the mattress store that is next to the Gatsby (I should say “was” next to the Gatsby—it is no longer there). There is a staff meeting at 7AM and they plan on doing the filming before the salon opens at 9AM. During the first audition a customer walks in to buy a mattress. C’mon—what mattress store is open a little after 7AM?

Tracy was probably the best out of everyone and of course Alexa had a problem with the director. I’m going to take her side this time because this guy looked like Deliverance meets Guns ‘N Roses. The funniest part of this segment was Olivia wiping out while running out of the Gatsby and then she ends up landing the starring role of the commercial destined for late-night cable television.

Crotchilicious

The commercial is being shot three days after the auditions. Everyone is dressed up to look like a person from a different “er-rah.” The one person who actually looks worse than before is Christy, which I find odd because she always looks very attractive on the show.

Olivia is dressed as a gangster from the ‘30s without pants. She is trying to use the jacket as a dress, but it is so short that every time she moves her arms you can see her vajayjay. Well, you actually don’t see it, but they keep yelling “crotch” every time she moves her arms and they stop filming.

Olivia Puts the “Ass” in Assistant

The Glam Fairy has landed in Jersey City for the “Trash the Dress” photo shoot. Of course, Olivia is late again for another job and the Scary Fairy is not too happy. She is really taking the Fairy references to another level by saying that Olivia needs to earn her wings and she is starting at the bottom of the glitter barrel. I’m hoping that she is just playing up this shtick for television because this Fairy business is getting real old real fast.

Alexa sends Olivia on a quest for the “right” paper towels. Poor Olivia is running all over this place looking for Glam-Fairy-strength paper towels. Now if you know this is something you are going to need when applying makeup, don’t you think you’d bring a roll of Bounty with you?

After Olivia returns with the holy grail of paper towels, the child models show up and like a moth to a flame—head right over to the Glam Fairy’s makeup kit. This Fairy freaks out because nobody is ever supposed to touch her makeup. She quickly uses her non-existent parental instincts and has Olivia make them disappear.

At the end of the day, Alexa found a new respect for Olivia and now sees the potential in her. It had nothing to do with her makeup work—just the fact that Olivia could find paper towels and handle children made her worthy. Why am I watching this?

Cape Fear

I was afraid that Frankie was going to make the ultimate sacrifice and take Gigi to Cape May. For someone that allegedly has never been there, his assessment of Cape May was perfection: “It sucks. People come here to die. It is the only thing I can come up with.” Frankie moved up the list to my second favorite character on the show.

He then proceeds to take Gigi to a parking lot filled with cars and motorcycles. Frankie stops the car and starts looking around with a nagging Gigi trailing behind him doing her best Marissa Tomei impression from “My Cousin Vinny.” This was all a set up as Frankie meets with a biker who is selling his bike on Craig’s List. Apparently Frankie didn’t pay the toll because he still has his balls!

Gigi starts whining and insists on going home. Frankie pulls up in front of a bed and breakfast in Cape May and surprises Gigi—this is where they are spending the night. She is so happy and now I see that Frankie did pay the toll—he just did it a little later.

Next Week on Jerseylicious

The salon is in a tizzy as a “secret shopper” is coming in for a haircut. There is an emergency at Anthony’s salon, so he is leaving Gatsby—but for how long? Tracy is having a party and everyone is invited except Olivia. Oh yeah—there is more drama between Olivia and Tracy. Tune in next week!