Ranu's Reviews

This week opens up with Vinny being all paranoid about getting evicted for hooking up with the Danny’s hot girl. He must have had one too many Grappas if he was worried about Danny being upset over that cougar that looked more like Freddy Krueger.

GTL

Vinny goes on to tell us that Pauly and The Situation hit the gym, tan and do laundry every day like robots. The Situation then explains the importance of each as the camera shows them walking out of the Laundromat with their pre-packed clothes. If it is soooo important—how come you aren’t doing your own clothes? And they have to tan to go to the beach? That’s like taking a shower before going swimming in the ocean. Never said that Mike was the brightest orange crayon in the box.

The She-tuation

Unfortunately we find out that The Papa Situation tapped the ass of The Mama Situation more than once and Mikey has a Little Sister Situation. Vinny is all over this chick and talked to her on the phone for 45 minutes before he even laid eyes on her. Mike finds out and is OK with it because Vinny is harmless to him. Anybody with a penis is dangerous to your little sister, so beware of the wolf with the waxed eyebrows. He stole Danny’s girl the night before, so I don’t know why you think he’s not going to play hide the salami with your little sis.

Melissa “The She-tuation” shows up and she looks like a petite, female version of Mike—which is fine if you want to have sex with a girl that looks like Pauly Shore. Vinny was looking to avoid The She-tuation because she looked too much like her brother.

Headlinas

The gang goes to The Headliner (which they continue to pronounce “Headlinas” in Neptune (not Seaside). Vinny is wearing a ridiculous hat and The Situation is rambling on about how they send him out on the dance floor first to get the women. He is trying to compare himself to a Navy Seal because that is who they send out first in a battle—The Navy Seals. This guy is a fountain of misinformation.

Vinny has changed his opinion of The She-tuation after spending some time with her at the club. Any girl that will be seen with a guy with a dorky hat in public is a keeper. I have to admit that it was a little creepy the way she kissed her brother, but Vinny is happy to be hanging with the female Mike.

WILMA!

Ronnie and Sammi do their usual thing—they stay for one drink and then leave. However, this time Sammi had a little too much to drink and is wasted. On the ride home she decides to sit facing the back of the vehicle—as Ronnie puts it—it’s like she’s sitting in a baby seat. Very nicely put since the two of them act like babies all the time.

Things start to go sour when Sammi calls the love of her life a “stumpy bastid.” (Looks like bastard, but sounds like bastid.) Ronnie then crosses over the line when he starts making fun of her Fred Flintstone big toe. Hair extensions, fake nails, orange skin and you get upset over a comment about your big toe? Now I’m dying to see if Sammi can really stop a door with this titanic toe of hers.

I was very impressed when Ronnie correctly said that Sammi did a 180. He must have gotten more than a free set of tools from his Apex Tech education. He was clearly joking around and she just went off the deep end in typical Jersey girl fashion. She is now done with him (at least until the next segment) and he is crying again. For a big dude he sure cries a lot.

Snooki 101

The Situation wants to hit up Karma, but Snooki just wants to go home and make out with her “friend” Mike. She decides to test Mike by telling him it is OK for him to go to the club and pick up women. Why the hell do women always pull this test crap? As Snickers puts it, “Mike jumped out of the car like it was on f’n fire.” Her friend might have flunked Snooki’s test, but this guy gets A+ on the guy test! This guy should take a picture of his scrotum and send it to Ronnie with some bubble gum, so Ronnie can see what a real pair of balls looks like. Chew on that Ronnie! Snooki is wondering what’s wrong with her? Why doesn’t anyone want to make out with her?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you—you’re frigging desperate! Guys smell desperation a mile away and use it to their advantage. Didn’t this guy not hookup with you a few episodes back? And weren’t you upset? Now, what do you do when you see him again? You go to him like an Italian moth to a flame. Oh well, you still have your friend Ryder.

Strike Two

The Situation finds his old friend Alex, the girl that he hooked up with a few weeks ago. She was the one with the annoying blonde grenade that Pauly D bailed on because he couldn’t take it anymore. They begin to make out like two drunken swans with broken necks. No wonder The Situation can’t get any play—he makes out like he’s having a seizure. Alex agrees to come back to the house and Mike tells us in the worst imitation of a girl’s voice that she needs to get something out of her girl’s car first.

Ronnie and Sammi are trying to patch things up on the balcony. They are really pathetic and make me hit the FF button on the DVR. However, Sammi walks away from Ronnie and Ronnie leaves with the guys to go creep. After a wonderful commercial from Trojan condoms, the action picks up with Snookers eating in the kitchen. This bitch is always eating!! She spends more time in the fridge than a gallon of milk.

Back to the boys at Karma. Looks like the only thing Ronnie was creeping was Pauly D’s ear. Wah wah wah. Pauly told Ronnie that he knows he is going to go home and make up with Sammi—and that is exactly what he did.

Call of Duty

Alex shows up at the house looking for The Situation and is not alone. She called in the cavalry this time because she brought a grenade and a grenade launcher to the party. Pauly D learned his lesson and refuses to be The Situation’s wingman.

Snooki steps up to the plate with her hunter safety-orange slippers and tells Mike that she’ll get rid of the grenade launcher and the grenade. She just wanted to know if she would be able to tell them apart and Mike said you’ll definitely know. Snickers nicely explains to Henrietta and Morgana that they have to leave. The blonde bitch from last time is uber annoying!!!!! I wish somebody would knock her the hell out! Where is J-Woww when you need her?

The girls are leaving and call Snooki a nasty-ass bitch. Snooki confronts them, drinks are thrown and the fight begins. Couldn’t MTV find more attractive chicks for a cat fight? The Situation is holding back the blonde grenade, but did not have the man power to also subdue the grenade launcher. This blue-shirted behemoth must have thought the guys were hiding an all-you-can-eat buffet on their deck because she charged at Snickers with cat-like reflexes.

Pauly D had to choke a bitch. He was holding back the grenade, but was losing the battle. As I was saying, Kool-Aid woman lunged at Snooki and got a good shot in the mouth. Ronnie had to step in and put Big Bertha in a headlock. You can see by the video that Ronnie was giving it all that he had. She was a force to be reckoned with that night. Hell hath no fury like a woman being held from partaking in an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Then it happened. I was hoping that it wouldn’t, but it did. The girl that looked like Violet Beauregarde after she ate the three-course piece of chewing gum became exposed. Now I don’t know why MTV limited the pixilation to just blocking out her flabby breast, but we were subjected to seeing the whole enchilada. All I can say is please don’t watch this part while you are eating or you won’t be finishing your meal.

New Zoo Revue

After the animalis left, Snooki got all pissed at The Situation for not bringing home nice girls. I guess we all can’t bring home people that don’t want to make out with us or throw up. Snooki playfully beats Mike with an inflatable hammer that she won on the boardwalk at the pickle-eating stand. The Situation hoists her up by her ankles and doesn’t let go until Snooki grabs his mushroom cap. Let the record show that Mike’s penis was the first one that she got her hands on since this show started.

The Situation then had one of the best three lines to date: he apologized for Snooki getting hit by a couple linebackers, then tells us that it was not his intention to bring home any zoo creatures and he finishes it up saying that the broads must have smelled the food at the house.

Eight is Enough

Staten Island had some more breathing room as 10% of Vinnie’s family decided to pay him a visit. Vinnie’s mom brought enough food for an army and was cleaning up the place. That’s Italian! Snooki said it was like Christmas—just looked like a typical Sunday afternoon meal to me when I was growing up.

All It Takes is One Douche

The gang is chillin’ on a very slow night at Beachcomber when some guy started talking a little smack to the guys. Pauly’s “spidey sense” was tingling and had a feeling that this guy was trouble. Snooki’s “insecurity sense” was buzzing off the hook as she told Sammi that everyone is talking about her and Ronnie always leaving early. The place was empty and once again Snooki and J-Woww are dancing on an empty dance floor—so I can’t blame Sammi and Ronnie for wanting to go home and bang the crap out of each other.

As they are making their way home on the boardwalk, they get a visit from the bald douche in the bar. He’s talking smack again and Sammi starts to get into it with this dude as Ronnie is trying to just ignore the guy. Sammi just would not shut up and Ronnie pushes her with one hand. I was laughing when Sir Douche-A-Lot started yelling “domestic violence,” but you could see that Ronnie was losing his patience.

Sammi gets pissed at Ronnie for the millionth time and walks away pretty briskly on her Fred Flintstone feet. Ronnie is by himself and the stupid ass with the beer muscles is telling Ronnie, the guy with real muscles, to come at him. Summer’s Eve is then trying to hit Ronnie with his girlfriend in front of him. The girlfriend is swinging at Ronnie while the guy is doing some pussy dance behind her.

Ronnie looked like a defensive end as he does a swim move to get past the chick and starts to pummel this Paul Schafer-looking dude. He gets in a ton of great headshots and I’m not talking about a photoshoot. Sun dress and Sammi are trying to break up the fight, but they are about as successful as Conan hosting the Tonight Show.

Looks like MTV security breaks up the fight and Ronnie and Sammi leave the scene. All that adrenaline has done wonders for Ronnie because I do believe he got his balls back. He blames Sammi for the fight and wants nothing to do with her. Sammi is crying innocence, but I agree with Ronnie. I don’t think Sammi was the sole reason for the fight, but she sure as hell didn’t help the situation.