Ranu's Reviews

We open up this episode of Jersey Shore with another blacked-out replay of Snookers getting her lights knocked out by the former gym teacher from Queens.

Puss 'n Gel

Now I wasn't going to bring this up because I know this dude is more jacked than yours truly, but I'm going to go on record and say that Pauly is inadvertently being portrayed as DJ Puss E Puss. In the first episode, he throws a sucker punch at some dude and then back peddles like he is waiting for someone to "break up" the fight. In this episode after Snooki gets decked, a crowd surrounds the douche that punched her and he jumps up on the bench seat by the table. Did he see an orange mouse with slicked-back hair? WTF?

Then NY's (not NJ's!) favorite Guidos decide to go after the Queen of Queens' friends with Vinny leading the pack. Vinny said six words all season and now he is ready to kick some ass. Once again, DJ Puss E Puss and now The Pussuation take a back seat to an angry Vinny. Why is MTV showcasing clips of a Pauly interview? He was just slightly more involved in this than myself and I wasn't even there that night, yet, Pauly proceeds to tell us that everyone was heated. Ronnie and Vinny were upset, while The Pussuation and DJ Puss E Puss were looking to see if the Midway was still open for cheese steaks.

Creeper

Snookers gets all patched up and the group decides to begin the long walk home. Sammi asks Pauly if he saw it and Pauly says, "No." He was three feet away from the punch, but didn't see it. He must have had a hair out of place and reached into his murse for his compact at the time of the incident. Everyone is walking and there is Mike trying to creep on some girl that is living with another guy. Everybody is pissed off at The Situation for trying to pick up a girl after Snookers got punched. Please keep in mind that Mike is like 0 for 10 in the smushed department, so it is a Desperate Situation.

Sad But True

I'm a very open-minded individual, so I've been giving my orange-skinned pizons the benefit of the doubt, but now I am convinced that they are either the dumbest bunch of Italians on the planet or the Jersey Shore writers are just absolutely brilliant for making me believe that they are the dumbest bunch of Italians on the planet.

Snooki comes home with ice bag in hand and J-Woww tells the guys that Snickers doesn't want to talk to anyone because her mouth is messed up. One of the guys repeats to the group that Snickers doesn't want to talk to anyone and what does Ronnie do? He goes to talk to Snickers. I was so sickened by him professing his love to Snickers that I threw up on myself and didn't even realize it. Projectile vomit #2 came out when Ronnie told the camera that now he sees her differently. Are you frigging kidding me? It took her getting punched in the face by a guy for you to now accept her into your Guido tribe? Screw you. OK Snooks, now it is time to tell them to go take a long walk off a short boardwalk pier and what does she do? She's actually happy that everyone now likes her as much as she likes them. Enter vomit #3. You all deserve each other.

Meet the Parents

Sammi and Ronnie are awoken by the 352 knocks at the door by Ronnie's parents. Typical Italian parents--they dropped two sarcastic comments in three seconds about them being late. Sammi wants to make sure she looks her best for Ronnie's parents, so she has to crack out the premium hair extensions and deluxe Lee press-on nails. Sammi is definitely the best looking one out of the bunch, so she really doesn't have to do anything special to look better than Snooki and Bow-Woww.

Everybody met Ronnie’s parents except Princess Sammi –who is still getting ready for her debut on the deck at Seaside Heights, NJ. They tell the parents about Snooki’s punch to the face and even Ronnie’s mother is asking why nobody in their group bashed this guy. She is getting very impatient with Sammi and Ronnie is defending his other half to Momma Mia. Sammi is finally ready to meet his parents and I had to laugh when the girl with the hair extensions and orange skin said she wasn’t going to be fake for anybody.

The happy group makes their way to the boardwalk and we find out that Sammi is only the fourth girl to make Ronnie’s parents. “Let’s play the warta ting,” said Ronnie’s father. For those of you not familiar with the NY/NJ dialect—“warta ting” is that water gun race game where the first person to fill up their balloon with water and make it pop wins.

Breasties

Apparently the two girls with the biggest boobs at the beach house, J-Woww and Snooki, are now best friends. Snooks confides in J-Woww and goes on to tell us that J-Woww gives out great advice. Once again, the girl that cheats on her boyfriend and has fake boobs is the sage of Seaside Heights.

Snooki can’t even brush her teeth because her mouth hurts so bad, but J-Woww advises that she drinks alcohol from a glass. On a normal day, figuring out how to drink from a glass is challenge enough for young Snooki, so I can’t even fathom how she intends to get her drink on with a busted grill. She could use that hollow, tubular plastic thingy with the holes on each end, but I wouldn’t want to overwhelm the girl.

Your Assailant is Free on Bail—Let’s Go Get Our Nails Done and Tan!

Snooki finds out that the jerk that punched her is out of jail. She is upset and confused, but J-Woww offers up some awesome advice by suggesting the girls go get their nails done and tan. In the car ride over, J-Woww asks Sammi if she did the deed with Ronnie. Sammi gets all embarrassed and doesn’t want to discuss it. Hello? Last week you told the whole world on TV that you did it with him and now you don’t want to talk about it with J-Woww in the car? Guidette please.

Hell’s Kitchen

They must be pulling in some major bank at the T-shirt shop because they decide to have a stay-at-home feast with live lobsters and steaks. The Situation is cooking it all up and complaining the whole time that none of the girls are helping. This dinner was to honor the girl that can’t even open her mouth to brush her teeth, so maybe steak wasn’t the best choice of entrees for the evening.

After they all laugh at poor Snooki for not being able to eat, a Situation arises when Mike refuses to clean up his plate since he cooked the dinner. Now, I have to agree with The Situation because the rule in my house is that if you cook—you don’t do the dishes. Granted, he could’ve presented his case with a little less attitude, but I can’t fault the guy. His argument with Sammi over cleaning up his dish proved one thing: Ronnie is totally whipped because he cleaned up The Situation’s dish.

F This

The troop heads down to F Cove which is a cool place for boats to park and party on the water. J-Woww is the first to venture out from their boat in what looks like an inflatable lounge chair. She paddles towards this boat with a couple of guys in it and then has them pull her into their boat. It took two dudes to pull her and her breast implants on board.

After Pauly tells us that his hair is windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, and motorcycle proof—he then starts ragging on Ronnie for being with Sammi. From what I’ve seen so far, Ronnie is the only one getting laid in that house, so I wouldn’t call his efforts with Sammi a waste of time.

However, being surrounded by hot chicks that he can’t smush must have gotten to him because he was one cranky crank and wanted to go home. He then proceeds to call out Snooki and tell her it is time to go home as she is trying to get some bald guy’s number. Now all the roommates are on this other boat and Ronnie decides to go grab Snooki in true Cro-Magnon fashion, throw her over his shoulder and jump in the water with her to bring her back to their boat. Snooki didn’t like being thrown into the “lake” as she put it. Can’t even blame the punch for her repeated ignorance.

Numbers Game

Mike starts to explain that if you get 10 phone numbers in a week, that five or six might not answer when you call—especially those girls that give out 800 numbers. He finally gets some girls to come over to the house for all the boys, except Ronnie of course. I found it very interesting that Pauly didn’t think these girls would hook up with them right away because they’re not whores and Vinny felt that they were going to have to treat these girls like human beings—what a novel concept!

We later find out that The Situation gets The Stand Up and his respectable girl just gained a lot more respect in my book because she bailed on their lunch date.

Bamboozled

Ronnie and the girls decide to go to Bamboo while the guys are back home trying to figure out how to treat women with respect. Now I know I am watching this show way too closely because there is A Situation at Bamboo. How the hell is Mike at Bamboo and back at the house? Please God, tell me he doesn’t have a twin brother and MTV just sucks at editing this show.

Anyway, some girl then calls Snookie fat and J-Woww throws a drink in her face. Let the fatfight begin! J-Woww starts throwing mad punches at this blurry-faced bitch and the bouncers quickly separate the two. Guess it is OK for MTV to air two chicks throwing punches, because that’s not a violent crime.

Chew on This

Tommy, J-Woww’s boyfriend, has to be the most pussy-whipped dude on the planet. He gets cheated on and then constantly calls J-Woww after he said it would be over and then he sends her a package! I thought it was going to be his dick in a box, but it turned out to be flowers. J-Woww is telling everyone that they are the rarest roses because you can’t get them in NY. Not positive, but I do think roses grow in states other than NY.

The guys were spot on when describing Tommy. Pauly D called him a “SUCKA” and once again, Ronnie has the best line of the night. He tells us that he would send her his dick and bubble gum—a picture of his dick and bubble gum with a note that says, “Chew on this.”

The Karma Initiative

DJ Pauly D talked his way into Karma and is behind the ones and twos—whatever the hell that means. He got the place jumping and did a great job of turning everyone on. The music or Ronnie’s dick and bubble gum must have gotten to Sammi because she wanted to go home and chew on something. So they left the club and everyone is pretty upset with them.

While Pauly is behind the turntables, The Situation is getting more 800 numbers and grinding on the dance floor. We finally see innocent little Vinny taking a visit to Cougar Town as he is talking with some older lady. He proceeds to hook up with the woman and then WHAMMO—we find out that the cougar is Danny’s (Vinny’s boss) girl. Great way to end the show and I can’t wait to see what happens next week. Will Vinny get evicted? Does The Situation ever get laid? Tune in next week !

Want to See the Real House and Clubs of Seaside Heights, NJ?

Visit the Ranu’s Reviews’ fan page on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/ranusreviews. See me at the house, Karma, Beachcomber, Bamboo and the T-shirt shop on the boardwalk.