Ranu's Reviews

This episode has the same name as one of my favorite Metallica songs, yet the title is all about what you don't get to see--the Snooker punch!

Got an Issue? Here's a Tissue

We pick up right where we left off last week with the snub at the club. Captain Ron sets sail out of Karma and heads back to the shore house. Ronnie's shirt instantly comes off once he sets foot inside the house. I'm convinced that MTV must have installed some type of wife beater force field, because these guidos drop their shirts quicker than Tiger Woods' sponsors.

J-Woww and her breastessess decide to check on Ronnie. Vinnie talks to Sammi outside the club and tries to calm her down. Detective Vinnie Goombatz starts to interrogate Sammi to find out why Ronnie left in such a hurry. After a few seconds, Vincenzo uncovers that she gave out her number to her friend the cop. Case solved--but hold on--logic ceases to exist in Seaside Heights with this group of people.

Sammi tells Vinnie that she's a single girl and that Ronnie never said that, "You're my girl." Then she gets fed some misinformation about Ronnie leaving with J-Woww and all of a sudden she's pissed off. I love when white girls try to act all tough. She gets all fake ghetto by her bad self in front of the camera--raising her hand up like she's going to do something. Sammi then says that she is going to "knock a bitch up." I don’t know how it is humanly possible for her to impregnate J-Woww---unless she is hiding an Italian sausage under her miniskirt.

Within seconds, Sammi and her Night Ranger groupie outfit make it back to the house. She finds Ronnie face down on his bed and the freshly transformed Bow-Woww. Sammi asks Bow-Woww if she hooked up with Ronnie, which is an appropriate question, since J-Woww has already left for the night and Ronnie is wearing just a white towel. Bow-Woww barks out a defiant "No" to the girl in the Hulkamania-like black shirt and Ronnie tells her not to touch him.

The two call each other disgusting and Sammi heads upstairs. Ronnie decides to chase after her with one hand thankfully holding the towel in place. She must really love Ronnie because Sammi feels comfortable enough to take out her hair extensions in front of him as they argue.

I have to side with my Cro-Magnon pizon on this one--giving your phone number to another guy is worse than dancing with a girl--especially when the girl hooks up with The Situation. Ugh! Now these two dolts are crying and hugging--looks like all is fine with Tarzan and Jane.

Here's the Situation

The Situation brings home the chick that he was making out with at Karma and Pauly found some girl with NBA regulation-size hoop earrings and an ass to match in white pants. Big-ass girls love their white pants.

The boys decide that everyone is going in the hot tub--even though the girls do not have bathing suits. These women do not want to go in the tub and Kingsford Pauly thinks they are acting stupid. I got to give him credit though--he used his Jedi mind trick to convince them that a bra is the same as a bathing suit and in they went.

The Situation then says that he's hooking up with his girl and Pauly is hooking up with his girl and, "uh, we're going to have sex." Think before you speak. To me, it sounds like him and Pauly are going to have sex. After the cameras pan to the bedroom, we find out that Pauly won't be earning his "red wings" since Aunt Flow is in town and the other girl has to go home or her mom is going to freak out--that's the situation.

Don't worry about being a few minutes late honey, I think mommy will be more upset with you taking off your pants, making out with a complete stranger in a jacuzzi and almost having sex with a guy called "The Situation" on camera. Luckily for her, Mike must have left his condoms in his Camaro because he was gone for like ever looking for them. The Situation comes back and sees the girls getting ready to leave. There is no denying that Mike is Italian because the first thing he asks them is, "What's wrong? You guys hungry?" No sex for you!

Jealous Again

The next morning it is quite apparent the Ronnie and Sammi had makeup sex. It couldn't have been that satisfying for Sammi since the first thing she thinks about is whether everything is going to be OK during the day between her and the man with the life-size cross tattooed on his back. Ronnie is pounding that Sammi clammy, so everything is good. Besides, I seriously doubt he can process more than one emotion at a time, so right now his brain is filled with, "sex = good."

Ronnie pays a visit to Bow Woww who is in the middle of an intense cardio routine. She is nonchalantly placing her legs up in the air one at a time. No doubt, she is practicing for her nocturnal activities which usually involve her legs being pinned behind her head. Bow Woww thinks that Sammi is jealous of her and any girl that talks to Ronnie. I have to agree with her that she has enough going on with her boyfriend to be involved with Rammi (that's my "Speidi" couple name for Ron and Sammi).

Working It

Rammi work together the next day and it is obvious that Sammi is filled with emotion and uncertainty. Ronnie on the other hand is wearing a hat from the movie "A Bronx Tale" that he must have purchased off Ebay. There is such a fine line between guys looking cool and a complete ass in hats. Ronnie's hat makes him look like a full-time resident of Doucheville.

Rammi makes me want to ram my finger down my throat. MTV makes it even worse by playing fireworks in the background while they talk---insinuating that these two did the hibbity-dibbity. Sammi said it is natural to have sex with someone you're into. I'm into a lot of things, but I don't foresee me doing the happy dance with everyone and everything that I'm into. I think Ronnie summed it up best when he referred to their sexy time as "getting smushed." Ronnie--you still got it!

GDO (Guys Day Out)

All the guys decide to go out on a rainy day to prepare for the night. Their agendas are filled with haircuts, tanning (you're living at the frigging beach, so why are you tanning?) and the gym. The Situation basically says you ain't nothing unless you work out for an hour each day. He wants everyone to know that HE works out for an hour and a half.

At the barbershop (which looks more like a salon) the boys start to pick on each other. Ronnie is pretty damn funny as he tells The Situation that he'll shut his mouth when he brings home a "10." Can't argue with him--the chicks he has hooked up with so far are "The Shituation."

I See London, I See France, I See Snooki's…

Snooki is all pumped up to go to Karma. I swear, these people must go clubbing after the early-bird dinner specials because these places are always empty when they're inside. Snookers is doing back flips and splits all over the gross-ass floor. The three people at Karma that aren't part of the cast got to see Snooki's thong make an ass of herself all over the place. Luckily MTV blocked out any direct view of Snicker's knickers.

How You Doing?

It's the end of the night, so it is now time to see what lucky women get to go home with Pauly and Mike. The Situation has been working on some girl all night, but she isn't going anywhere unless her less-attractive annoying friend comes with her. Pauly takes one for the team and agrees to go home with the friend. As they are walking home, they see two slightly more attractive girls in a convertible and they start talking to them. Surprisingly, the skeezers from the club get pissed at the boys and walk away. These girls weren't the only people with a pair boobs pissed at the boys--poor Snooki was left all alone at the club after she specifically told the testosterone twins not to leave the club without her.

She found a guy to walk her home even though he wasn't her type. Snooki thought his name was Ron, but it was Russ--and she kept calling him Ron the whole night--classic stuff! Then the dumb ass can't remember how to get home so she decides to spend the night on the beach to watch the sun rise (at least she got the sun thing right this time). Magically before they enter the beach, Snooki has a huge towel in her hand.

Back at the house, The Situation and Pauly are hanging out with the girls from the car when the girls from the club show up. I don't know how the club girls found the house without the boys. They must have used their GPS (Guido Positioning System).

I have to give these two knuckleheads credit--they devise a plan to get rid of the girls from the car by telling them that the girls from the club are their roommates and that they wanted them to leave. However, Pauly is back to having to take one for the team with the busted blonde girl. I'm glad Pauly is not on my team because he bailed on Mike after a few minutes and as The Situation aptly put it, "He fled the scene and left me in arm’s way."

Secret Agent Man

Turns out that Russ (aka Ron) didn't get any nookie from Snooki and is friends with Tommy (J-Woww's boyfriend). Russ told Tommy that the tool bag with the blowout (that's Pauly) was bumping and grinding J-Woww all night. She denied it and said they were battling on the dance floor to house music. I love that she then tells Snooki about this and in her infinite wisdom says that there was nothing sexual going on—they were dancing with everyone. For the record, if you grind your cooch (while wearing a miniskirt) on EVERYONE it is OK--it's just dancing. Can't wait to run that one by the wife.

Bartender, May I Have Some Punch?

As the whole world knows, MTV decided not to air Snooki getting her faced punched in by some douche. At least we now know what lead up to the punch. A shot-stealing gym teacher from Queens got upset with Snooki and her friends and decided to cowardly punch her in the face. What I don't understand is why none of the guys are pounding the crap out of him? Of all people, J-Woww, is punching him and the guys are nowhere to be found until the guy is in cuffs and being escorted out of the place by the police. Guess we'll have to wait and see the outcome on the next episode of Jersey Shore!

Here's a picture of yours truly at the Beachcomber where the infamous punch happened.