Ranu's Reviews

I Know What You Did Last Night

This week's episode opens up sometime in the AM in the kitchen with Pauly D, Ronnie and J-Woww. It is quite apparent that J-Woww's suspicious average looks have vanished in the daylight like DB Cooper and her alter ego Bow Woww is trying to recollect the previous night's shenanigans with DJ Pierced Pee Pee. It doesn't surprise me that Bow Woww can't remember hooking up with Pauly because J-Woww did the dirty deed, not Bow Woww. Two pee-pee hole Pauly would never hook up with Bow Woww. His morning hair looks at least ten-thousand times better than the skunk entrails that rest on the side of Lady Bow Woww.

Eat Me

In addition to orange-skinned Italians, we find out that Snooki also likes her pickles. I'm not gherkin around, the girl that is almost as tall as her hair extensions must think that a pickle a day keeps the doctor away. As she puts it, "Pickles is my thing." Well, I know grammar isn't your thing, so pickles it is!

There's also a technique to eating the pickles like Snookers. She sucks the juice out first. Snooki then tells us that the boys are perverts because they like to watch her eat pickles. I have to admit that I liked watching her eat pickles--it had to be the only time on the show that she actually shut the hell up.

Love Triangle

I found it a little suspect that Ronnie, The Situation and Sammi Suckface all worked the same shift the next day. There was a little tension between Pauly Shore's illegitimate son and Sammi, but nothing to write home about. After work, we find out that Ronnie confides in J-Woww about things and she is his "go-to-girl" about relationships. He's going to the girl that cheats on her boyfriend for relationship advice? Just proving my point from the last review--Ronnie's brain is not as advanced as his body!

My Boyfriend's Back

One night after playing tonsil hockey with Rhode Island's most well-known DJ, J-Woww is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her boyfriend. He shows up with a friend and roses. Just call her Summer's Eve, because J-Woww must feel like a real douche at this point. Speaking of douches, Angelina is also expecting guests. Some of her friends come for a visit and later that night she arranges for her boyfriend to meet her at the club.

Angelina's boyfriend looks about 20 years older than her and we find out from one of Jolie's besties that he is married. [Long Duck Don] Married? Yes, married. The guy basically tells her that he is done with her and not to call him anymore. Angelina then says to herself out loud, "I think I just broke up with my boyfriend." I don't know how she thinks she broke up with him after he was the one that said it was over--then again she also think she's hot.

Undercover of the Night

The show shifts to Bow-Woww in bed with her boyfriend. You know, she looks just as bad through the night-vision lens as she does through the regular lens. Anyway, he proceeds to tell her that if she cheats on him that it is over between the two of them--which is pretty much how relationships work. She then asks him that if everything was perfect between the two of them, would he still break up with her if she cheated on him? Obviously he says, "Yes" and she gets all pissy and turns her back to him. Again, this is the girl that Ronnie goes to for relationship advice.

Nah nah nah nah….

Angelina Ballerina can't recover from last night's breakup with the married boyfriend, so she decides that she is not going to work. She doesn't go to work to work, but she does go there to tell them that she is not working. You're not saving lives--I think you can still be the miserable, whiny, self-pitying baby that you are and manage to sell a few t-shirts in the process.

Dan (the big boss) storms on over to the house on his bicycle. He wants Angelina to explain why she missed work. All he wants to do is talk to her and she can't even face him--the crazy bitch tells him to come up to the bathroom to talk. Rightfully so, Dan the Man, declines talking over the toilet and stands outside the bathroom. She still won't come out. Watching him talk to a bathroom door was pretty funny, but this girl should have had the decency to talk to him face-to-face. Left with no other alternative, Dan increased the network ratings by kicking her out of the house. Wait. Did you hear that? The alarm just went off on her 15-minutes of fame. She packed up her Hefty-Cinch Sack "luggage" and hit the Parkway. Thank you Jebus.

All the Single Ladies

J-Woww finally decides to tell her boyfriend about her spin with the DJ. Unlike Angelina's married boyfriend, this guy sticks to his guns and breaks up with her over the house duck phone. She tells him she loves him and he hangs up her Brett Michaels' cowboy-hat-wearing ass! Awesomeness has a new name and it is Tommy.

A visually upset J-Woww tells everyone that her boyfriend broke up with her. Ronnie starts laughing and calls Pauly, Pauly the Problem. Ronnie rules! J-Woww decides to remain faithful to Tommy for 24 hours. In one breath, she is telling everyone that it is dangerous for her to be single (I concur. The men of Seaside Heights are in for a rude awakening when the go to bed with J-Woww and wake up next to Bow Woww). Then in another breath, she is trying to convince the viewers that she has been Susie F'N Homemaker and acted like a nun since she has been in the shore house. She's been in the house for all of three days and on the first night she is making out with Pauly in public--then she makes out with him again in bed and sees his disco stick. If that's how nuns behave then I'm going smack my parents in the head for not sending me to Catholic school.

Low Ryder

Snooki's friend Ryder pays her a visit and Snookers can't wait to hit the clubs with her pal. They love being the center of attention and "tear it up" on the dance floor. I don't know what the hell she's talking about because the empty foosball table by the bar was getting more play than those two trying to do the "Carlton."

Next up is some boring footage of Ronnie and Sammi's date. Who cares?

Fast forward to Ryder and Snooki in the hot tub boyyyeeeee! Snooki had a feeling she was going to make out with someone that night and that someone was Ryder. Normally I'm a big fan of two chicks making out, but this looked more like a contest to see who could swallow each other's face in its entirety. I've seen lions rip apart a gazelle that was more appealing to me than what transpired in this hot mess tub.

The Situation

After Snooki was done sucking face with Ryder, she turned her attention to The Situation. Now on the first night, The Situation wanted nothing to do with poor little Snooki. Funny how good looking Snooki is now that Sammi dumped him.

Making Daddy Proud

Snooki decided to make out with Mike because he could be a good guy and a jerk off. That's what she likes--a good guy and a jerk off--they're one in the same according to her. If somebody cuts me off on the highway, I wouldn't give him the finger and say, "You good guy" and if I'm bored, I'm not going to go "good guy." There is a difference between a good guy and a jerk off and until Snookers figures that out for herself, she's going to be that girl that makes out with other girls just so the guys will like her.

Darwin Award Moment

Mike is not only The Situation, but he is also The Chef. Looking for some help from the guy that thinks all the girls should be cooking, Pauly, is given the daunting task of lighting the grill. Pauly's C-ring must be cutting off too much oxygen to the only head he uses, because Einstein proceeds to dump a bag of charcoal into the gas grill. How many guidos does it take to light a grill? Apparently just two, because Aim-N-Flame Mike finally got the fire going. The Situation did too good of a job because the flames start to pour out the sides of the closed grill and through the bottom near the propane tank.

Tweedle DJ and Tweedle Situation take turns lifting up the grill cover to investigate. It took them four times before they realized that maybe they shouldn't touch the metal handle engulfed in flames with their bare hands. Ignorance truly is bliss as they remained amazingly calm contemplating how to put out the fire. I'm sure they were never in any danger since this is "reality" TV, but part of me really thinks that they just might be that dumb--especially when The Situation decided that it was OK to cook on the grill after dousing it with the fire extinguisher.

Karma Chameleon

The show ends with a group trip to Karma Night Club. Ronnie is all over Sammi and then showcases his heterosexually-challenged dance moves. I have to admit that he moves pretty good for a big dude. So Sammi sees her friend "the cop" and then sees Ronnie dancing with another girl (and The Situation). She gets all pissed off at Ronnie and gives her number to her new found friend in the law enforcement field. J-Woww, who looks pretty damn hot from the neck down, sees this number exchange and runs to Ronnie like Cindy Brady the tattletale.

Ronnie gets all upset and runs out of the club. I think his diaper was full because he seemed pretty agitated. Now he wants nothing to do with Sammi after professing his love to her when they entered the place. Sammi wants nothing to do with him. Oh the drama at the Jersey Shore. The best part of this segment was The Situation making out with the girl that Ronnie was dancing with in the background as Ronnie storms out of the club.

Final Thoughts

After watching this show thoroughly enough to write a recap--I have a new appreciation for it. This show just gets funnier the more you watch it. Snooki possesses Bizarro World Socratic wisdom that she dispenses on anyone that will listen. This particular episode was a little light on Vinnie (is it because he is the only guy that keeps his shirt on?), but I guess he must have learned his lesson with the pink eye because he had his sunglasses on in just about every scene that he was in. I can't tell you how happy I am that Angelina got the boot. She was an immature drag that brought the show down. Now I'm wondering if they will replace her? We can only hope!