Ranu's Reviews

I remember as a child of the '70s, that a large, scary pale-green man wearing a toga constructed entirely of leaves hocking canned vegetables during my Saturday morning cartoons ( yes young whippersnapppers--select cartoons used to be showcased on only one day).

He was known as "The Jolly Green Giant" and I don't think I warmed up to him until "Sprout" came into the picture. Little did I know that the marketing juggernaut known as the Green Giant Company was building brand awareness in a seven year-old. Granted I didn't have a fondness for the gargantuan in the green tights, but when I was food shopping with mommy back in the day, I recognized that iconic idiot and voiced my shrill opinion in the middle of the canned vegetable aisle.

Needless to say, I eventually outgrew my phobia of immense male figures with green hair and regularly purchase Green Giant products when I food shop--even without the security of my mommy.

Baked, Not Fried

My wife was the one that actually stumbled upon these baked treats and they looked intriguing. The package was inviting and I knew that everything tastes better fried, so how could I go wrong?

I'll tell you how I went wrong--I didn't read the entire package until I got home. Clear as day, the bag sported a yellow stripe with red lettering that said, "Baked, Not Fried." OK. At least this will be somewhat healthier for me.

Time is Not on My Side

By default I always look for the shortest amount of cooking time on a package because I simply cannot wait to eat. Strike one--no microwave instructions. Guess I gotta put this in the pot-and-pan warehouse known as my oven. Strike two--this takes 15-20 minutes to cook? I have a hard enough time waiting for an entire meal to take 20 minutes, so I sure as hell am not happy waiting 20 minutes for an appetizer to cook! Strike three--just realized that I paid $4.99 and there are only 12 measly bites. What is the rest of my family going to eat now?

Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

The photographer and package designer really deserve some type of award, because the contents inside the bag look absolutely nothing like the picture on the outside of the bag. If they weren't frozen, I'd swear I just purchased a bag of marshmallows covered in toasted coconut.

They Certainly Do Bite

I waited the frigging 20 minutes and took these giant hamster turds out of the oven. The very helpful instructions gave me the option of cooking them for 20 minutes or "until lightly browned and hot." They are already light brown to begin with, so how the hell am I supposed to tell when they are "lightly browned?"

I took my first bite and they were only half bad. Swallowed and then had confirmation that they were all bad. The broccoli and cheese part was actually OK on its own, but it was all over for me the second the breading came into play. These bites seemed to be housed in a protective breading shell that tasted like a mouthful of warm sand. It remotely resembles a bread crumb-like substance, but I wouldn't be surprised if it contained cardboard shavings from the factory floor. I should go back and check the ingredient list.

The End Result

I really have nobody to blame for this one but myself. The package clearly stated, "Giant Bites" and that is exactly what I got. Not to mention, that the magnificent flavor of sandy bread is still resonating in my mouth hours later. If I ever run into the Jolly Green Giant on the street I'd kick him right in his string bean for putting this product in my grocer's freezer.